I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
