If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
