I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
