Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
is it fun? or sober?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
