my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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