Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize