All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
