My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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