Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Sext me about skeletons
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
