All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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