need another drink. this is the easiest way
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
