Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
