Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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