Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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