We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
