my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
