is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
