new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
