At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
