Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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