His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
