I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
