If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
