My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
