party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
operation have a gay friend backfired
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
