Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
