i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
