oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
