I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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