When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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