you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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