So drunk its hurt
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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