Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
They are going to name an STD after you.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
