i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
