After last night, I could never be a politician.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
