Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
