Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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