so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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