There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
