I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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