btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
