but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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