guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Your cock deserves a montage
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
