You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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