My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You are a booty call, not a friend.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
