You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
