Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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