The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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