2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
