I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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