I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
