yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I need moral support for this bender
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize