Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
