so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just pee around me
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
