I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
