i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
