the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
