totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
